Courageous Self-Loyalty in a Busy World — It’s Not Selfish. It’s Vital!
Do you value and expect loyalty from those closest to you? When we’re loyal, we’ve got their back no matter what. We never lose faith in them, because we know how devastating disloyalty is — it’s the ultimate betrayal. So, let me ask, Do you have that kind of loyalty for yourself? Or do you think loyalty to others means giving up self-loyalty?
Yes, in good relationships we all make sacrifices and compromises. That’s the give-and-take that helps us dance through life. However, all give and no take makes us off-balanced and unwell. Take, for example, Zoe…
Zoe prides herself on being there for others. Everyone counts her. Her calendar used to be filled with commitments to others — helping her aging parents, volunteering at the local shelter, and spending hours after school tutoring struggling students.
One particularly hectic week, Zoe was running from one obligation to another. She skipped lunch to help a colleague with a project, canceled her yoga class to babysit for her sister, and stayed up late grading papers. By Friday, she was exhausted, irritable, and nursing a pounding headache. It wasn’t until she snapped at one of her students — something she’d never done before — that Zoe realized something had to change.
Feeling guilty and overwhelmed, she called me for an emergency session. As we talked, Zoe cried, “I don’t understand. I’m doing everything I’m supposed to do. So why do I feel so resentful?” Together, we explored Zoe’s patterns and realized a crucial truth: in her efforts to be loyal to everyone else, she had forgotten to be loyal to herself. She’d been neglecting her needs, desires, and well-being in the name of being there for others.
As Zoe began to incorporate self-loyalty into her life — setting boundaries, prioritizing self-care, and honoring her needs — she discovered something surprising. Not only did she feel better, but she was more present and effective in her relationships and work. By being loyal to herself, she had more to give to others.
Zoe’s story is not unique. Many of us struggle with the balance between self-loyalty and loyalty to others. We’re taught the virtue of selflessness from a young age, but rarely do we learn about the importance of being loyal to ourselves.
Consistent prioritizing others over yourself can lead to some pretty serious consequences such as:
- Burnout. Feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, and unable to cope due to continuously overextending yourself.
- Resentment. Growing bitterness and frustration from always prioritizing others over yourself.
- Loss of Identity. Struggling to identify your desires and goals causes you to lose sight of who you are and what you want from life.
- Decreased Self-Worth. You start to believe that your needs and desires are less important, leading to diminished self-esteem.
- Guilt for Self-Care. Feeling guilty or selfish for taking time for yourself or saying no.
- Poor Health. Talk about stress! Neglecting self-care results in various health issues, from minor ailments to more serious conditions.
- Unhealthy Relationships. When one person always sacrifices, it creates unhealthy dynamics where the balance of give-and-take is skewed.
- People-Pleasing Mindset. Ignoring your wants and needs so long you can’t say what you want, even in the smallest decisions.
- Neglecting Personal Goals. Constantly delaying or abandoning your ambitions and dreams.
Loyalty’s importance in human relationships cannot be understated. It’s the glue that holds connections together, whether personal or professional. Trust, built on a foundation of loyalty, enables people to collaborate, support, and inspire one another. When we’re loyal to our friends, families, and colleagues, we create an environment of mutual respect and dependability.
Yet, self-loyalty remains under-discussed. Self-loyalty isn’t putting yourself before others in a detrimental way—it’s having the same faith in yourself that you would have in a close friend. Self-centeredness, on the other hand, implies an excessive preoccupation with oneself to the exclusion of others’ needs or feelings.
Self-loyalty isn’t selfishness! It’s ensuring that the same dedication you show to others is reflected in your actions towards yourself. This is especially crucial for women in leadership roles, where societal expectations and pressures can make self-neglect seem like a noble sacrifice. True leadership, however, stems from a balance — honoring commitments to others while steadfastly nurturing one’s well-being.
Self-loyalty involves a deep respect and understanding of oneself, setting boundaries, and taking necessary actions to ensure personal well-being. It’s being kind to yourself, recognizing your worth, and making choices that align with your values and goals, even if that sometimes means saying no to others.
Selfishness often carries negative connotations of greed or lack of consideration for others. It’s driven by self-interest that can harm relationships and communities. Self-loyalty, however, nurtures self-respect and authenticity, empowering individuals to lead with integrity and resilience.
There is an interdependence between self-care and care for others.
How self-loyalty improves our relationships
Enhanced Capacity to Help Others. Honoring your needs and boundaries reduces stress, prevents burnout, and creates a foundation for long-term mental and emotional health. This ensures you have the energy, resilience, and clarity needed to support those around you effectively.
More Authentic Relationships. When you’re true to yourself, your relationships become more genuine. Others see and appreciate the real you, and mutual respect flourishes.
Increased Self-Confidence. Trusting and valuing yourself helps you make decisions with greater confidence and clarity, which makes you more dependable.
Balanced Life. Self-loyalty leads to a healthier work-life balance, as you’re better at setting boundaries and prioritizing your well-being.
Personal Growth. By being loyal to yourself, you create space for personal development, allowing you to pursue passions, learn new skills, and grow.
Emotional Stability. Strong self-loyalty makes you less susceptible to external criticism and not so touchy, as you have an internal compass that guides and supports you.
More Effective. Taking breaks and caring for yourself ensures you’re more productive, as you’re not running on empty.
Empowering Spirit: Your self-loyalty can inspire others to treat you with the same respect and to cultivate their self-loyalty.
Your “Dream Big, Start Small” Here’s the one thing you can do today.
One of the most courageous and self-loyal decisions you can make is setting boundaries and sticking to them. You may experience some pushback initially because it’s new. But everyone benefits when you clearly communicate your needs.
- Identify an area where you often overextend yourself — perhaps saying yes to last-minute requests or always being available to chat even when you need a break.
- Decide on a reasonable boundary. For instance, you might dedicate a specific hour in the evening as personal time with no interruptions.
- Communicate this boundary clearly to others. A simple, “I’m taking an hour each evening for myself” can suffice.
- Respect this boundary yourself. Use this time for something that recharges you.
Give this a try today. Notice how it feels to prioritize yourself, even in this small way.
Practicing self-loyalty takes courage because it requires standing up for yourself, even when it might disappoint or upset others. Asserting your needs and boundaries can feel uncomfortable as you risk judgment or rejection. It also demands self-awareness and honesty, confronting your fears, limitations, and desires.
A good way to renew and strengthen your self-loyalty is by taking my 7-Point Wellness Assessment. If you’ve done so already and want support as you implement new routines or boundaries, please contact me and schedule a 30-minute complimentary consultation to see your next, best small step.
Photos by Renáta-Adrienn and Alexei Scutari
Self-Confidence, Self-Love, self-understanding, Setting Boundaries