Ignoring Red Flags? Listen to Body Wisdom & Avoid Being Blinded by Desire
Have you ever yearned for something so intensely that you overlooked the subtle signs warning you it might not be right for you? Ignoring these red flags allows strong desires to cloud judgment. But we can become more attuned to our body wisdom to make the best decisions. How?
Whether it’s a relationship, a job opportunity, or a significant purchase, the allure of what we want can sometimes overpower our ability to see things clearly.
Consider the story of Estelle, who ended a year-long relationship that left her emotionally drained and questioning her judgment.
Estelle met Tom at a friend’s party. He was charming, attentive, and seemed to tick all the boxes she was looking for in a partner. However, as she looked back, she realized there had been signs that something wasn’t quite right. Tom occasionally made cutting remarks about her appearance or intelligence, quickly following them with a charming smile and a “just kidding.” Also, he often canceled plans at the last minute with elaborate excuses. When Estelle expressed her concerns, he’d dismiss them, calling her “too sensitive” or “overreacting.”
Despite these red flags, Estelle wanted the relationship to work so badly that she made excuses for Tom’s behavior. She rationalized that he was just stressed from work, or that she was indeed being too demanding. She focused on the good times, convincing herself that if she just tried harder, things would improve.
A year later, feeling isolated from friends and family and constantly walking on eggshells, Estelle finally acknowledged the truth she’d been avoiding. The red flags she’d dismissed early on had grown into insurmountable problems, and the relationship she’d hoped for never materialized.
This is a powerful reminder of how easily we can minimize difficulties or challenges when we want something badly, often at great cost to our well-being.
Why We Minimize Red Flags
Desire is a complex thing. Often, what we think we want is a stand-in for a deeper need. For example, desiring a specific job might be about seeking validation or security. Sometimes, we cling to what we want out of fear that we won’t find anything better.
Our wants can become intertwined with our sense of self, making it harder to let go. And the more time or resources we’ve invested in pursuing something, the harder it becomes to walk away, even when it’s not serving us.
Our brains are wired to seek pleasure and avoid pain. Strong desire activates the reward centers in our brain, releasing dopamine and creating a sense of anticipation and excitement. This chemical rush can be so powerful that it overshadows our logical thinking processes.
Cognitive dissonance also plays a crucial role — when we encounter information that contradicts our beliefs or needs, it creates psychological discomfort. To alleviate this discomfort, we often engage in mental gymnastics, rationalizing away the contradictory information, thereby overriding our beliefs or needs.
We often use rationalizations to justify ignoring red flags. Here are some common ones and how to counter them:
- “It’s not that bad”. Get specific about what’s happening and how it affects you.
“It’ll get better with time”. Look for concrete evidence of improvement, not just hopes or promises.
“But I’ve already invested so much”. Consider potential future costs of staying.
“Nothing’s perfect”. Differentiate between minor imperfections and significant issues.
“I can change him/it”. Accept that you can only control your actions and responses.
How to Navigate Intense Desires with Compassion and Perspective
While it’s important to acknowledge wants, we must also learn to manage them in a way that allows us to hear and heed potential warning signs. Here are some strategies:
Developing Self-Awareness. This involves regularly checking in with your emotions and reflecting on past experiences and patterns.
Tune In To Your Body’s Wisdom. Our bodies often recognize danger before our conscious minds do. Pay attention to physical cues such as muscle tension, changes in breathing patterns, stomach discomfort or “butterflies” or sudden fatigue and energy shifts.
Pause and Reflect Before Acting. Implement a “cooling off” period before making significant decisions. This allows time to create a pro/con list to objectively evaluate situations and seek advice from people you trust.
Balance Optimism with Realism. It’s important to strike a balance between positive thinking and willful ignorance. Set realistic expectations based on evidence and past experiences and regularly reassess situations, being willing to change course if necessary
Practice Self-Compassion. Intense desires can remind us of what we feel is lacking, creating a sense of emptiness or longing. In these moments, it’s vital to feel your feelings without judgment.
Maintain Perspective. While acknowledging the intensity of your desire, it’s important to maintain a broader view of your life and possibilities:
Turn down the volume: While you shouldn’t ignore your wants, try not to let them drown out everything else. Make space to hear other aspects of your life and self.
Consider alternative futures: This can be challenging, but it’s vital. Ask yourself: If this desire isn’t fulfilled, what then? How else might you find meaning and fulfillment?
Explore other sources of joy and purpose: Your life is multifaceted. What other goals, relationships, or experiences bring you joy?
Embrace uncertainty: Remember that life often unfolds in unexpected ways. Being open to various outcomes can reduce the grip of a single, intense desire.
Cultivate Courage and Resilience. Facing the possibility that our deepest desires might not be fulfilled takes immense courage. It requires us to look at a future different from the one we’ve imagined and find value and meaning there.
“Dream Big, Start Small” Here’s the one thing you can do today.
There’s an English idiom for someone who ignores the negatives in a situation: She’s “wearing rose-colored glasses.” Try this simple somatic exercise to help you recognize and assess the red flags associated with strong desires.
1. Briefly imagine achieving a strong desire you currently have.
2. Close your eyes and slowly scan your body from head to toe. Notice any sensations, tensions, or feelings that arise.
3. Imagine your desire becoming even stronger and more intense. How does your body respond?
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- Does your chest tighten?
- Does your stomach flutter?
- Do you feel a heaviness anywhere?
- Is there a sense of expansion or contraction?
4. While holding your desire in mind, gently introduce potential challenges or downsides. For each “red flag,” notice your body’s reaction:
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- Do you feel a knot in your stomach?
- Does your breath become shallow?
- Do you feel a sense of relief?
5. Ask your body, “What are you trying to tell me about this desire?” Be patient and allow any sensations, images, or words to arise.
6. Imagine taking a small, manageable step towards your desire. Notice how your body responds to this smaller action.
7. Slowly open your eyes and take a few deep breaths. Jot down any insights, sensations, or reflections from the exercise. Did you notice any surprising or unexpected reactions? How might these bodily insights inform your approach to this desire?
Remember, this exercise is about gathering information, not making immediate decisions. Use these insights as a starting point for further reflection and, if needed, discussion with trusted friends or professionals.
The next time you find yourself strongly desiring something, take a moment to pause. Listen to your inner wisdom, consider the potential red flags, and make a decision that honors your aspirations and well-being. In doing so, you’ll be better equipped to navigate life’s complexities and create truly fulfilling experiences.
I invite you to learn how Somatic Coaching can help you tune into what your body is telling you and how you can give it exactly what it needs when it needs it. Please contact me and schedule a 30-minute complimentary consultation to see what your next small step might be.