Tag: Self-Confidence

Self confidence requires making subtle shifts in how you use your body as you create mindfulness and awareness that exponentially increases your ability to influence, listen, be resilient, manage stress, maintain energy and be more effective. Rather than numbing yourself to uncomfortable circumstances and powering through them, you can learn to mindfully choose to respond in a way that leaves you feeling whole and at peace.

Healing the Father Daughter Relationship: 5 Steps to Forging Healthy Friendships with Men

Written by Maria Connolly. Posted in Life Skills, Mindfulness.

My relationship with my father was…well…it was very complicated. When I was really little I adored my dad. I thought he was the best. As I got older, I learned that my father could be difficult to be around. My new story as an adult is that my father did the best he could. But the truth is it took me a long time getting to a healthy perspective about our father daughter relationship.

While a mother has a great deal to do with nurturing and helping daughters discover who they are, the father daughter relationship is extremely important too. Why? Because fathers shape their daughters in the following ways:

our academic performance,
our career path and financial wellbeing,
our communication skills,
our self-esteem and confidence,
our body image and sense of self,
our behavior and attitudes,
our mental and emotional health,
our social traits,
who we are,
how we experience the world,
whether we feel safe or not,
how we handle stress,
how we relate with men platonically,
who we date,
how soon we have sex,
whether we have successful romantic relationships or not.

When a father actively engages in his daughter’s childhood, promoting her scholastic or athletic achievements, he encourages her self-reliance and assertiveness. As a result, she’s more likely to graduate from college and enter a higher paying, more demanding job. A close mentoring relationship with her father makes a girl feel secure and supported. There’s nothing she can’t do.

But what if that’s not the reality of your father daughter relationship? Maybe your father has been absent emotionally or physically. Does that mean you’re stuck with a lot of baggage that slows you down forever? By no means! You CAN move past it.

Firstly, it’s important to be aware of the kind of relationship you have had with your dad. Whether it was positive or not, acknowledge the hurt, loss, disappointment, yearning and longing for something different. By acknowledging your feelings, you can begin to grieve and become more at peace with what was. You can now turn things around by deliberately co-creating healthy relationships in your adult life.

"Slender at first, they quickly gather force
Growing in richness as they run their course;
Once started, they do not turn back again,
Rivers, and years and friendships with good men."
~ Sanskrit poem ~

Five steps to begin healing the father daughter relationship…

Acknowledge the type of relationship you have had with your father.

Be kind and compassionate toward your younger self that might still be hurting. Anger, numbness, indifference often hides a great amount of hurt that you might not want to feel, so create a safe space for you to process through these emotions mindfully. Never ever say, “I’m stupid for feeling this way”. You have a right to your feelings. Be patient with yourself as you sort through them.

Allow yourself to grieve. Tell yourself that you deserved better, because you did! Mourn what you missed. But don’t get stuck in what should have been. Focus on learning to feel worthy of being loved, supported and cared for. Look for the positive things you did receive from your father. If nothing else, you are alive today because of him, so you can be grateful that you have the chance to use your life in a kinder, more expansive way.

Look around you for healthy male role-models. Yes, they are out there often camouflaged as our co-workers, neighbors, or dear friends. Don’t be afraid to reach out. You have the chance to create your own supportive family of “fathers” and “brothers” to turn to for advice and help. However, be mindful of the boundaries they and their families are comfortable with. You can become a part of your male friend’s life without giving the appearance of “taking over” attention that should be given to his family and other friends.

Deliberately surround yourself and co-create healthy friendships with the opposite sex. I understand that this might be challenging depending on the kind of beliefs and values you and your partner might have but I can’t recommend this one enough. Even though I have one of the most loving and supporting partners I could have ever asked for, I value my close friendship with other males.

As adults, we get to choose whom we want in our lives. A healthy mix of male and female friends adds richness and fullness to our experience. Your father daughter relationship is just one of the indicators of a life well lived. Take the 7-Point Body Wellness Assessment to see how you’re doing as a whole. Click here to download your free copy.

Building Momentum to Achieve Excellence In All You Do

Written by Maria Connolly. Posted in Life Skills.

“Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.” ~ Dale Carnegie

I want to do it, but… I’ll do it when… I’ll get around to it if…

It’s easy to master the art of procrastination, isn’t it? We put it off. We postpone. We ignore it. We hope it will resolve itself. We just don’t get started. And this inactivity leaves us feeling stagnant and in a rut. It feels like we’re always struggling in an uphill battle.

Never rising to a challenge or finishing a task undermines self-esteem. There’s no sense of adventure. No feeling of accomplish. No satisfaction, self-confidence, or ambition. There are only excuses so we don’t have to leave our comfort zone. That’s not the kind of life I want to live. What about you?

I want to feel alive, to try new things and experience each moment fully. I want to derive joy and satisfaction from what I do and who I am in all my relationships. If that’s how you feel too, then building momentum and harnessing its power is essential.

Momentum is an interesting phenomenon. Once you get the ball rolling and you build some momentum, it becomes self-perpetuating. It just keeps rolling under its own steam. Remember how it feels to ride a bicycle. The first few pumps on the pedals give your leg muscles a workout, but as you pick up speed, that bicycle takes you a long way while you coast along for the ride.

The longer you wait to take action, the more you procrastinate, the harder it is to get started and build some momentum. Circumstances will never be perfect. If you’re waiting until they are, you’ll be waiting forever. It’s not going to be any easier tomorrow. In fact, delaying makes it worse, because the resistance in your mind gets stronger. We convince ourselves that what we want is too difficult and we talk ourselves out of trying.

Taking consistent action is vital to building momentum. If you consciously and consistently take action every day, you’ll see that it takes less effort on your part. You’ll begin to enjoy your activities and you’ll feel empowered and confident. How do you do it?

Building momentum in three easy steps:

1) Make a commitment to yourself because the action is important to your happiness. Keeping the rewards of your goal in mind will fuel you to keep taking consistent action. If it’s not that important to you, just let it go and focus on something that really matters. Once you make that commitment, the majority of your attention should go toward moving forward. That’s how you build momentum!

2) Take the first baby step. What’s the one thing you can do right now to get started? Get up and do it! (Please wait until after you finish this article, of course.) Even tiny actions will eventually build momentum and produce results, as long as you’re consistent.

3) It’s the journey, not the destination that’s important. More often than not, you will learn more about yourself and grow as an individual if you focus on the process of how you get to your goal. Many people abandon their goals because they don’t see the big vision results they expected fast enough. Slow down and enjoy the process. Don’t get so obsessed with results that you discourage yourself. In other words, focus on the baby successes, the changes you make, and the knowledge you acquire as you move forward.

What do you want to accomplish? I encourage you to begin today with one baby step that moves you toward that goal. This daily success will fuel your momentum to continue tomorrow. And do you know what builds momentum even faster? Getting someone to help you, instead of trying to do it all alone. I would love to assist you. I'm hosting a new workshop, The Power of Embodied Presence – Empowering Women Through Somatic Education and the Art of Relationship, on July 16, 2016. Click here to learn more.

Embodied Learning – A Lifelong Practice that Leads to Excellence and Mastery

Written by Maria Connolly. Posted in Embodied Leadership, Emotional Intelligence.

“By my actions teach my mind.” ~ William Shakespeare

Learning doesn’t stop when you finish your schooling. As the world has become more connected we are required to continually learn new skills and adapt to change. This takes great flexibility in our thinking. Yet this raises an important question: Is thinking enough to achieve mastery and excellence? No, and here’s why…

Do you really know ‘how to learn’?

Perhaps your style of learning has been to memorize facts intellectually until you take a test or do a task, and then you quickly forget it. Or perhaps you “know” a topic but never put it into practice, let alone master it.

Honestly, would you book Carnegie Hall for your daughter’s piano recital if she had only looked at a music book? No, a master pianist has years of practice to train the mind (to gain the skill), the body (to gain the dexterity) and the spirit (to gain the confidence) to cooperate together harmoniously. Mastery, through embodied learning, requires all three – the mind, the body, and the spirit.

Learning with the Mind. The educational system traditionally teaches the mind. As a result, many people stay stuck because they theoretically know what they should do, but they feel overwhelmed or are distracted by the next “bright, shiny object” that comes along. There’s too much information for any of us to process. We’re moving at a speed that demands immediate action.

In order to master a skill, it’s vital to stay connected as you embody your higher purpose and remain focused on what’s important. This requires…

Learning with the Spirit. Over time we establish a characteristic mood. People can see us as cheery or brooding, positive or negative, and helpful or closed-minded to give a few examples. People will either be repelled or attracted by our mood.

Emotions, on the other hand, come and go as situations change. However, if you’re not skilled in resolving your emotions they take on a life of their own and become a mood. For example, if you don’t effectively deal with your sadness and loss, it may become a mood of depression.

Your emotions and moods shape the way you learn. If you’re negative, and self-defeating, your learning and productivity will suffer, regardless of how skilled you are. On the other hand, if you’re open and curious you’ll be receptive to learning and increase your creative and innovative skills.

Learning with the Body. To manage your own emotions (not repressing them or becoming victims of them) you must approach them from a somatic perspective. How you organize your body produces certain moods and emotions, both positive and negative.

The body never lies. You may say you’re ready for a presentation to a room full of clients, because you know your material inside and out. But when you stand in front of them and you stammer and stutter and forget key points, your body is telling the truth – that you aren’t ready emotionally.

Embodied learning means there’s a congruency between your intellectual thoughts, emotional state and your body organization. And you only achieve this harmony through practice. For example, when you learn to model confidence behavior, you’ll feel confident. And as you repeatedly practice it, you will become confident. You will have learned this new skill so well you embody it in all you do. It will come to you easily. As you perform these actions in a graceful manner, people will see you as a master of your craft.

Are you seeing areas in your own life that can benefit from embodied learning? I would be pleased to partner with you as you discover how to become more mindful and aware in your approach to life. Please contact me and we can schedule a time to work together in person or via Skype.

Which of These 25 Emotional Intelligence Competencies Will You Master Next?

Written by Maria Connolly. Posted in Emotional Intelligence.

“What is it you’re really good at doing? What makes you unique?”

Do these questions make you squirm and think, “I don’t know…I’m just me?” Surprisingly, most people struggle with this. They do what they do without much thought. Of course you’re aware of your technical skills, people skills and personal work ethic. Yet, this barely scratches the surface of who you are.

With so many people feeling lost, unfulfilled and wanting to “find my true self”, it’s important to take time to mindfully define in great detail your core values, strengths, and emotional intelligence competencies.

When you do, a magical thing happens. You become empowered to break out of your comfort zone and excel beyond what you ever imagined possible. Like all top performers, you’ll finally know exactly what you’re capable of doing. You’ll know what to improve to achieve excellence. And while no one can master all 25 emotional intelligence competencies, you can significantly improve on some of them.

Daniel Goleman writes about the 25 emotional competencies in his book, Working with Emotional Intelligence. (I really enjoyed this book. You should check it out!) They fall into five categories, under two main headings – Personal and Social – as the following outline shows.

1. Personal Competence - how you manage yourself.

Self-Awareness: Know your internal states, preferences, and resources.
- Emotional awareness – recognize how emotions affect your life.
- Accurate self-assessment – know your strengths and limitations.
- Self-confidence - embrace your self-worth and capabilities.

Self-Regulation: Manage your internal states, impulses and resources.
- Self-control - keep disruptive emotions and impulses in check.
- Trustworthiness – maintain standards of integrity and honesty.
- Conscientiousness - take responsibility for your personal performance.
- Adaptability – be able to handle change, flexibility.
- Innovation - be comfortable with new ideas and ways of doing things.

Motivation: Emotional tendencies that guide or facilitate reaching goals.
- Achievement drive - strive for excellence.
- Commitment - wholeheartedly support group or organizational goals.
- Initiative – be ready to act on opportunities.
- Optimism – remain positive despite obstacles and setbacks.

2. Social Competence – how you handle relationships.

Empathy: Have an awareness of others’ feelings, needs and concerns.
- Understanding others - sense others’ perspectives.
- Developing others - actively bolster their abilities.
- Service orientation - anticipate, recognize, and meet others’ needs.
- Leveraging diversity - Cultivate opportunities through diverse people.
- Political awareness - reading power relationships and undercurrents.

Social skills: Proficiency at stirring up desirable responses in others.
- Influence - effectively persuade others.
- Communication - listen openly and sending compelling messages.
- Conflict management - negotiate and resolve disagreements.
- Leadership - inspire and guide individuals and groups.
- Change catalyst - initiate or manage change.
- Building bonds - nurture instrumental relationships.
- Collaboration and cooperation - work toward shared goals.
- Team capabilities - create group synergy, bring out their best.

Why not copy and paste this list into a Word document and print it out. Then score yourself from 1 (very limited) to 10 (excellent) on each one. But don’t stop there. Ask someone who knows you well to review it and get their viewpoint. It will be an eye-opening exercise for you and give you a basis for where you want to start improving.

And if you want to open your own private practice this exercise will keep you from floundering, because it helps you identify your unique selling proposition (USP) or unique value proposition (UVP) – the things that make you and your services unique. And when you identify that factor, your business will excel.

Would you like me to help you assess your emotional intelligence competencies and give you proven ways of getting out of your own way so you can excel? Then contact me and we can set up an in-person session or one via Skype.

Feeling Trapped in Life? Master Your Inner Game to Free Yourself

Written by Maria Connolly. Posted in Controlling Stress, Fearless Mindset, Life Coaching, Life Skills, Mindfulness.

“There is always an inner game being played in your mind no matter what outer game you are playing. How aware you are of this game can make the difference between success and failure in the outer game.” ~ Tim Gallwey

Do any of the following statements describe how you’re feeling right now?

I’m feeling stuck in a rut.
I feel trapped in my job.
I’m feeling trapped in a relationship.
No matter how hard I try nothing seems to go right.
I used to be really good at this, but now I just can’t make it work, so I end up trying too hard and second-guessing myself.
My fear of failure makes me default to “I can’t” before I even try.
I thought I was over that, but it keeps resurfacing again and again to gnaw at me.

The good news is…YOU don’t have to stay feeling trapped in life. You CAN free yourself from these negative mindsets and limiting beliefs. And while it does take some effort, it really isn’t that hard. Especially when you realize you already have the skills, you just need to make the connection between your two selves.

What do I mean by saying you need to connect your two selves in order to free yourself from feeling trapped in life?

Along my personal and professional journey, I discovered a book that helped me transform my inner environment to one that is more nurturing, supportive and all in all more conducive to learning and growing. It’s The Inner Game of Tennis: The Classic Guide to the Mental Side of Peak Performance. The core message of the book is that in tennis like anywhere else in life we usually play two games, an outer game with our opponent (self 1 – some people describe it as the body, which acts), and an inner game with ourselves (self 2 – some people describe it as the mind, which instructs).

We get into trouble when Self 2 (the mind) tries to tell Self 1 (the body) how to do something the latter already knows how to do. This disconnect spirals into second guessing yourself, trying too hard and feeling like a failure (In my opinion, the only failure is giving up. Nothing else is a failure. It’s simply a life lesson).

For example, when you learn to play tennis, your instructor tells you to “keep the eye on the ball” and your brain instinctively positions your arm and moderates your stroke speed to lob the ball back over the net. Later you forget this advice and start missing, so you think your form is off. To compensate, you swing harder or hold the racket differently, and it just makes it worse. Whereas, if you would go back to keeping your eye on the ball and let the brain do its thing, you’ll be better than ever.

We must quiet Self 1 (the body) and let Self 2 (the mind) do what it knows how to do. The best way to quiet the mind is not to tell it to shut up or force it or criticize it. What works best is learning to focus it. Focus means mindfully paying attention to only the aspects of a situation that are necessary to accomplish the task at hand. This requires that you become an observer of your own behavior.

There are four important steps to connecting your two selves:

Step 1: Observe in a non-judgmental way, simply seeing the situation as it is, rather than judging it to be good or bad. Being judgmental only leads to self-doubt and anxiety.

Step 2: Visualize your desired outcome.

Step 3: Trust yourself.

Step 4: Observe the outcome and results in a non-judgmental way. It’s neither right nor wrong. You did your best at this point and time, and that’s good enough.

Learn to be aware of your feelings and your body’s responses so you can overcome the self-doubt, nervousness, anxiety and lapses of concentration that keep you from performing at your best. Master athletes and business professionals know that they can't win the outer game if they lose the inner one. They know the value of having someone coach them as they Master the Inner Game. If you’re ready to make the commitment to a richer experience in life, please contact me. I would love to partner with you as you learn to get out of your own way to let your best game emerge.