How Do I Deal with Inner Conflicts to Achieve the Outcome I Most Desire?

Part of me wants to, but part of me doesn’t. You’ve had that feeling before, right? That’s not just a phrase. It’s an accurate statement about how we all have parts that can become so misaligned that we have an inner battle going on. This causes us to wonder: How do I deal with inner conflicts like these?

What causes inner conflicts?

Emotional experiences throughout life, especially during the early imprint years, result in the creation of “Parts” in your unconscious mind. There are parts we adopt from authority figures; parts we learn from life experiences, and parts we choose. These parts have their own values and beliefs, and they’re responsible for certain behaviors.

Many of your outcomes for career, family, romance, and health may be based on the requests, desires, or expectations of others. You may try to please your parents, spouse, teachers, religious leaders, boss, and society. Yet these may not be your personal outcomes. Not all of them fit into the life you’ve always wanted to live.

When this is the case, you won’t have the forward-moving energy to make good decisions that help you achieve your highest potential. When you struggle with identifying or implementing your desired outcomes, almost always, there’s some hidden inner conflict that needs resolution. You won’t feel fully alive until these inner conflicts are resolved.

Overwhelming feelings and reactions, as well as out-of-control behaviors, are often the result of these “Parts” feeling conflicted. Internal conflicts occur when two or more “Parts” of a person are at odds about a particular situation and exhibit behaviors that are seemingly incongruous (out of harmony).

How Do I Deal With Inner Conflicts?

The most problematic conflicts occur when the opposing parts have negative judgments about each other. But here’s the thing…to resolve this inner conflict, it’s vital to identify a common positive intention. This intention supports YOUR purpose or desired outcome. As François de La Rochefoucauld noted:

“A certain harmony should be kept between actions and ideas if we want to fully develop the effects they can produce.”

Sometimes you may have an internal conflict about some aspect of yourself; you feel as if you’re of “two minds” on an issue. These parts can each appear to have different intentions and can function independently of the other.

Here are some of the conflicts you may be experiencing:

• your job vs. spending time with your family;
• your career vs. your health;
• being entrepreneurial vs. playing it safe;
• freedom vs. settling down with someone special.

An internal conflict is often revealed through the words you use. Phrases such as “on the one hand,” “I feel torn about this,” or “a part of me agrees with you.”

Your behaviors may suggest different attitudes, and these attitudes may vary in different contexts. You may have one set of behaviors at work and a different set at home. Do you ever find yourself saying the following?

• “I really want to stop procrastinating, but part of me just keeps doing it.”
• “Part of me really likes him, but part of me is scared.”
• “Part of me wants to go to law school, but another part wants to travel.”

We often use this language without knowing that it represents a deeper conflict inside. However, when you take a closer look, you’ll discover a dozen sub-personalities inside. Some parts may disagree quite passionately with each other about who you really are or what you’re capable of being or doing.

Some of your parts may be brassy and dominant. Others are fully formed, but quiet and waiting to be engaged. Some parts are distressing. Some are good at hiding.

It’s okay to have parts if the parts are working in a holistic sense. For example, it’s nice to know that I have a creative part, a compassionate part, a safety-minded part, and a wants-to-be-challenged part. These parts express different aspects of my nature that I’m able to access when I need specific assistance. When my parts learn to cooperate with each other, I experience internal peace and harmony. So can you.

 “Dream Big, Start Small.” Here’s the one thing you can do today.

How do I deal with inner conflict? Recognize my conflicted parts! This exercise helps you feel the ways your different parts show up, rather than trying to think your way through them. Somatic awareness creates the space for clarity, compassion, and integration.

1. Take three slow breaths, allowing your exhale to lengthen. Notice where your body makes contact with the chair or the floor.

2. Gently call to mind the situation where you feel “torn.” Don’t analyze it. Simply name it internally: “This is the part of me that wants X, and the part of me that wants Y.”

3. Notice where each “part” shows up in your body. Does one part feel like tension in your chest? A pulling in your belly? A tight jaw? Does the other feel like heaviness, restlessness, or a desire to withdraw? Allow each sensation to be there without trying to change it.

4. Turn toward each part with curiosity.  Place one hand on the area where the first part is expressing itself. With curiosity, sense into it. Ask quietly inside: “What are you trying to protect?” “What do you wish I understood?”
Don’t force an answer. Just listen. Then place your other hand on the place in your body where the second part resides. Offer it the same curiosity and respect.

5. As you sit with both sensations, ask: “Is there something both of you want for me?”
Often, the deeper intention is safety, belonging, expression, or growth. When the body feels seen, the parts soften and move toward cooperation.

6. Take one final breath with both hands resting where they naturally fall. Notice if the tension has shifted, softened, or clarified. You don’t need a full resolution yet, only recognition.

If you’ve ever asked, “How do I deal with inner conflict?” be assured that you can identify and harmonize all of your parts that are conflicted. Parts integration is key. And awareness of your mind/body connection creates the opening for parts integration. Learning how to deal with inner conflicts takes practice. Mindfulness and learning to tune in to your body sensations can help speed up the process. If you’d like me to coach you through this practice, let’s talk.