Resolve Internal Conflicts with My NLP Tea Time Exercise
Ignoring, numbing, or fighting against your feelings isn’t the answer. When you have an internal conflict, the discomfort you feel is a signal that something is important and you need to pay attention! You can make friends with your discomfort, resolve internal conflicts and restore inner peace. Let me share my secret for how I do it…
“I know I have to make a decision, but I’m really conflicted about this. On one hand I feel this way, but on the other hand I feel like this.” Have you ever felt or said something similar to this? This inner conflict is the result of our subconscious parts not working harmoniously together.
The good news is that you can teach your parts to holistically work together so you can achieve your desired outcomes in life. I’ve discovered an effective way that I use personally and that has helped my clients, too. I call it the “Tea Time” exercise.
The “Tea Time” exercise is my version of NLP’s (Neuro Linguistic Programming) popular Parts Integration technique. It’s a very useful skill to overcome ‘bad habits’, indecision, procrastination and all sorts of internal conflicts. It’s so helpful because it creates a non-judgmental space where all internal parts can be heard and expressed leading to greater self-understanding.
How do you do the “Tea Time” exercise?
Imagine that you’re sitting down to have tea with your Parts that are in conflict. For example, perhaps you are considering a new business venture and there are some risks involved. You feel conflicted internally and this is keeping your from moving forward. One the one hand, your safety-minded part wants to keep you safe. The wants-to-be-challenged part wants you to grow. You can invite both parts to participate.
Remember the following rules:
- Begin with a brief centering exercise to deliberately set the stage.
- Make a commitment to suspend all judgment and to listen with curiosity.
- Let each Part explain what it wants, needs, acknowledging its values, beliefs and positive intention.
- Act as a witness that, from a higher perspective, observes and perceives the different positive intentions.
- The two Parts previously in conflict can now understand the other’s intention.
- This understanding creates harmony between the Parts of the unconscious mind, so that their values are more in alignment.
By following this exercise you will have ‘Integrated Parts’ and this will lead to feeling more congruent, empowered and clear in your decisions and actions. As Thomas Merton said,
“Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance, order, rhythm and harmony.”
Your “Dream Big, Start Small” here’s the one thing you can do today.
When you feel conflicted do the Tea Time Exercise.
Pause…breathe deeply and mindfully…invite each conflicted part of you to Tea Time. Name your parts i.e. “my safe part” or “my adventurous part.”
Envision that you pass the tea cup to your “safe part” inviting her to speak: “I’m not wanting to do XYZ because…” Really listen for clues so you understand what’s holding you back. They might be valid concerns or they might be fears and limiting beliefs. Be mindful to suspend judgment and remain curious and open.
Next, pass the tea cup to your “adventurous side” inviting her to speak: “This is a great opportunity for me because…” Really listen and understand how you have a need for personal growth, staying stimulated and engaged in life.
Be willing to sit in this exercise, letting the dialogue go back and forth. Even let each part ask questions of the other part: “So what are you really afraid of? What’s the worst that can happen? Is this a distraction from my big goals and dreams? Ten years from now, how will the decision I make about this affect me? What regrets will I have?” Continue until you feel you’ve reached a full and balanced understanding of your feelings.
NLP is one of the best models for understanding the ways we communicate not only with others, but even more importantly with ourselves. It’s great for identifying what’s holding you back. If you’d like some guidance on how to use NLP to address an internal conflict please feel free to contact me and schedule an “Unlocking Your Potential” 30-minute complimentary consultation to discover your first step towards greater self-understanding.
Photo by Jorge Garcia and Rodion Kutsaiev.