Being in Relationship with Ourselves: The Foundation of Healing and Growth
Today, something clicked for me while listening to a conversation between Simon Sinek and Lewis Howes. They were exploring what truly fosters healing, and Simon, who typically gravitates toward evidence-based concepts, expressed some hesitation around ideas like self-love and gratitude practices to promote being in relationship with ourselves.
What captivated me was when Simon used the metaphor of falling in love with your partner. He described how love isn’t something that simply appears fully formed, but rather develops through consistent attention, care, and presence. In that moment, I had a profound realization: we need to approach being in relationship with ourselves in exactly the same way.
The Missing Piece in Personal Development
Many of us spend our lives focused on external relationships, with partners, children, friends, colleagues, while neglecting the most fundamental relationship of all: the one we have with ourselves. We wouldn’t expect a marriage to thrive without intentional nurturing, yet we often expect ourselves to magically heal, grow, and transform without the same level of dedicated attention.
What would life be like if we all shifted from viewing self-development as a series of tasks to approaching it as an ongoing relationship? It would change everything! It would no longer be about “fixing” ourselves but rather about showing up for ourselves with the same patience, curiosity, and compassion we’d offer to someone we deeply care about.
The Science Behind Self-Relationship
For those like Simon who appreciate science-backed approaches, there’s substantial evidence supporting the value of a healthy self-relationship:
- Research in internal family systems therapy shows that relating to our different “parts” with curiosity rather than judgment leads to greater psychological integration and wellbeing
- Studies on self-compassion demonstrate that treating ourselves with kindness rather than criticism correlates with reduced anxiety, depression, and stress
Neuroplasticity research confirms that our brains physically change based on how we relate to ourselves and our experiences - The concept of being in relationship with ourselves isn’t just feel-good philosophy. It’s supported by our understanding of human psychology and neurobiology.
Beginning Your Self-Relationship Journey
Like any meaningful relationship, developing a healthy connection with yourself takes time and consistent practice. Here are some steps to begin:
1. Create Time for Regular Check-ins
Just as you would schedule quality time with a partner, set aside dedicated moments to check in with yourself. This might be through journaling, meditation, or simply sitting quietly and asking, “How am I really doing today?” Listen for the answer without judgment.
2. Practice Compassionate Self-Talk
Notice your internal dialogue. Are you speaking to yourself with the harshness you would never use with a loved one? Begin intentionally shifting your self-talk to be more understanding and supportive. When you make a mistake, try responding with “That hurt or that’s disappointing. What can I learn here?” rather than “I always mess everything up.”
3. Honor Your Needs and Boundaries
In healthy relationships, we respect each other’s needs and limitations. Extend this same courtesy to yourself by acknowledging when you need rest, nourishment, or space. Practice saying “no” to external demands when necessary to maintain your wellbeing.
4. Celebrate Your Growth and Efforts
We naturally acknowledge our loved ones’ achievements and efforts. Apply this same attentiveness to your own journey, celebrating not just major accomplishments but also small steps and consistent effort.
5. Seek Understanding, Not Just Change
When something difficult arises within you (an emotion, thought pattern, or behavior) approach it with curiosity rather than immediate attempts to suppress or change it. Ask yourself, “What is this trying to tell me? What need might be underlying this experience?”
The Ripple Effect of Being in Relationship with Ourselves
What fascinates me most about developing this relationship with ourselves is how it naturally extends outward. When we learn to be present, compassionate, and attentive with ourselves, we become more capable of offering the same quality of presence to others.
This isn’t selfish. It’s the foundation upon which all other connections can flourish. By being in genuine relationship with ourselves, we develop the internal resources needed to show up more fully in every area of our lives.
A Lifelong Partnership
Like our ever evolving relationships with partners and friends, our relationship with ourselves isn’t something we “achieve” and then move on from. It’s a lifelong partnership that deepens and evolves through different seasons and circumstances.
“Dream Big, Start Small.” Here’s the one thing you can do today.
Take a moment to connect with yourself, not through fixing or analyzing, but through quiet, attuned presence. This helps regulate the nervous system, grounding you back into your body.
Find a quiet space, sit comfortably or stand, feet flat on the floor. Let your shoulders soften. Place one hand on your heart, and one on your belly. Feel the warmth and gentle weight of your hands.
Close your eyes, and take 3-5 slow, deep breaths. Inhale through your nose, letting your belly rise. Exhale softly through your mouth, feeling your belly and chest settle.
As you breathe, ask yourself gently: “How am I, really, in this moment?” Notice what arises — sensations, emotions, or thoughts — without needing to change or analyze them.
If nothing clear comes, that’s okay too. Stay with the sensation of your hands and your breath. Offer yourself a quiet word or phrase of kindness, like “I’m here with you” or “You matter to me.”
Take one final deep breath, then open your eyes. Notice how you feel before moving on.
When you’re feeling stressed, tired, self-critical, or simply disconnected, practice being with yourself, not as a task to check off, but as a small, meaningful act of presence, the same kind you would offer to someone you love.
What would change if you approached yourself today not as a problem to solve but as someone worthy of your own time, attention, and care? I invite you to begin this journey and discover what becomes possible when you commit to being in relationship with yourself.
What aspects of your relationship with yourself would you like to nurture? I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences. Let’s connect!