Author: Maria Connolly

Know the Difference Between Pain and Discomfort to Achieve Excellence

Written by Maria Connolly. Posted in Health and Wellness.

“Growth demands a temporary surrender of security. It may mean giving up familiar but limiting patterns, safe but unrewarding work, values no longer believed in, and relationships that have lost their meaning.” – John C. Maxwell

A few years ago, I attended a Yin yoga class for several months. Yin yoga is a form of yoga during which passive poses are held for several minutes. In this way, without the distraction of constant movement and muscle engagement, your connective tissue has the opportunity to stretch and you are able to go much deeper into a pose. In addition, as poses are held for several minutes, your body can move beyond the 30 seconds it takes for muscles to relax and stretching to occur.

During our first class our teacher asked us: “What is the difference between pain and discomfort?” I had never thought of this before. I didn’t know how to answer and I remained a little confused. Then I realized that I had developed a high tolerance to pain. I was accustomed to categorize most hurts (physical, emotional, psychological) as uncomfortable and I was used to staying in painful situations for a long time. That’s a great strategy during a crisis but not as an ongoing way to deal with life.

The degree of pain or discomfort has some universal and subjective elements. Some people endure in the face of pain out of self-reliance and a belief that we must make every effort to stay alive. Others experience everything as pain and try to move away from it by avoidance methods like watching TV or eating ice cream. Basically, I’ve learned to distinguish the difference between pain and discomfort this way…

Pain is intense. Pain changes the way you behave. Pain gets worse the more you continue to try and push through it. Adjectives you use to describe pain may include sharp, stabbing, and shooting. Pain tells us to back off and regroup.

Discomfort is there, but in the background. Discomfort can fluctuate and both increase and decrease over time. Discomfort can be described with words like annoying, lingering, irritating, and aching. Oftentimes, we need to learn to lean into discomfort to make improvements.

Physical pain is often easiest to figure out. You break a bone in your leg, and immediately your nervous system zings a message to your brain, so your brain can say, “Hey, my leg hurts!”

But when there’s a spiritual, emotional or mental pain, it’s not so easy to recognize the body connection, unless you’re deeply attuned to your body sensations. Practicing mindfulness will help you become aware of how you’re organized around pain and discomfort.

Whether it’s preventing a sport’s injury, taking a business risk, or handling a crisis in the family, it’s important to recognize the signals that pain and discomfort are sending you. If you want to achieve excellence, it’s vital to know when to push it and when to back off.

What’s the first step to releasing discomfort and pain? Breathing is the key to connecting feelings to thought, body to mind, so you can make informed choices about your body sensations.

If you want to release a tight muscle, you must go directly into a stretch and open the muscle and breathe into it, not around it. Learn to face life challenges in the same way – begin breathing exercises and mindfully face it head on. Jamie Gerdsen describes this choice so well:

“To learn, to experience something new, you have to leave your comfort zone. That transition between what was comfortable and what will be comfortable is scary. Everything you thought you knew starts to look wrong. Your head trash really starts doing a number on you. Those who are a tad weak in the knees will fold faster than a cheap card table chair. To grow, you have to embrace the discomfort and work at it until all the shades of gray change back to black and white.”

Because they are on the same continuum, it takes practice to determine the between pain and discomfort. Just as it’s crucial to get your broken leg professional help, it’s vital to get professional help for the spiritual, emotional, and psychological pain. Because when we endure that kind of pain, it may transform into physical pain, compounding the problem.

Remember that staying in control will make you less susceptible to pain and injury. If life seems out of control and you’ve been putting up with chronic pain (physical, emotional, psychological) for too long, please contact me and schedule an “Unlocking Your Potential” 30-minute complimentary consultation (in-person, by phone or via Skype). I’d love to help you practice greater awareness and coping techniques.

How to Be Courageous Enough to Set Strong Emotional Boundaries

Written by Maria Connolly. Posted in Life Skills.

“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated.” ~ Brené Brown

When was the last time you were asked to do something that you didn’t want to do, and you did it anyway? Your intuition or gut screams “no”, but you push ahead, and when you do, what happens? You feel used, unappreciated, undervalued. Your anxiety, frustration and anger rise.

Why do we do that to ourselves? When we do it, we’re not happy. And the people we’re interacting with won’t be happy either, because we begrudge every moment. It doesn’t allow us to be wholeheartedly present and joyful.

This unhappy chain of events begins with not recognizing and honoring emotions. Yes, you felt a push back to the request, but that’s not the emotions I’m referring to. I mean the emotions that made your heart pound and your stomach clench so that you were unable to say “No!”

Why do some people become people-pleasers? Is it because they hate confrontation and they don’t feel strong enough to speak their truth? Is it because they don’t want to let anyone down? Is it that they are afraid they won’t be liked or accepted anymore?

To gain greater awareness of these deeply held emotions, it takes willingness to be present with the pain, the guilt, the shame, the fear, and the discomfort. It means admitting your vulnerability. And it’s scary to dive that deeply into your emotions. But be assured that from such vulnerability arises the internal harmony, strength, conviction, ideals and values you’ll need to set realistic emotional boundaries.

Does the thought of setting emotional boundaries intimidate or scare you? Perhaps you believe that boundaries scare people away. And you’re afraid of being excluded and alone.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Emotional boundaries are a form of empowerment, strength, and a way for you to align with your true self. If you don’t have boundaries, you’re sending the message that you don’t care, that you don’t know what you want, that you’re desperate to take whatever you can get, and that you won’t put up a fight. No one feels good being a doormat like that.

Setting personal boundaries is a form of self-respect and self-love. By respecting yourself enough to set necessary boundaries in your life, you’ll gain the respect of others and discover a unique freedom and peace of mind.

Clearly define your emotional boundaries and stick to them. If you wish to establish more healthy boundaries in your life, here are a few helpful tips for you:

Acknowledge that you don’t have to be superwoman.
Recognize your limits: you can’t and shouldn’t do everything.
Know that your limits don’t define who you are, just what you chose to do.
Do well what you can, let someone else do the rest.
Remember that it’s okay to say no.
Reconnect with or discover what you want out of life.
Clearly define your ideals and values.
Reevaluate the list of the things you will or will not tolerate in your life.
Write a sticky note giving you permission to feel your emotions and say “no”.
Discuss your intentions with an accountability partner.
Trust that the right people will stick with you no matter what.

It takes courage and a lot of internal work to set emotional boundaries. If you crave that kind of courage and peace of mind, please contact me and schedule an “Unlocking Your Potential” 30-minute complimentary consultation (in-person, by phone or via Skype). I’d love to provide guidance and accountability in support of your quest for a more fulfilling life.

How to Courageously Live and Speak Your Truth Every Day

Written by Maria Connolly. Posted in Fearless Mindset.

“Many times in life I’ve regretted the things I’ve said without thinking. But I’ve never regretted the things I said nearly as much as the words I left unspoken. ~ Lisa Kleypas

Do you feel free to be yourself all of the time? Or do you wake up each morning and “put your armor on” so people won’t see the real you – your vulnerabilities, quirks or shame?

It’s not easy to always speak your truth. We worry about appearing weak. We worry about creating conflict. We worry about giving away our power. We worry about hurting someone’s feelings.

Reflect over the past week…how many times have you not been entirely truthful? Perhaps you’ve spoken little white lies or you’ve held back from revealing the whole truth to make yourself look better?

For example, maybe you overspent your clothing budget by buying a new pair of shoes, and your partner notices. He asks, “Are those shoes new?” Offhandedly you respond, “Oh, they’ve been in the closet for awhile.” You feel it’s not an outright lie because they have been there overnight. That’s awhile, right? Of course, it gives the impression that they’re not a new purchase. Not exactly truthful is it?

This is just one example of pushing down your truth, which is harmful to yourself and your relationships. Other ways you could be hiding your truth is by holding back your true opinions to avoid controversy. Or you hide “shameful” parts of your life because if anyone ever found out then you’d feel less than perfect, less than extraordinary, less than good.

Mentally visualize what holding back, pushing down, and closing up feels like. Does it make you feel free? To the contrary, it has the opposite effect, doesn’t it? You feel trapped in a dark place.

In light of the recent #MeToo Movement, many women are opening up about their experiences and sharing their truth. And do you know what? The response from other women and supportive men has been amazing. It’s incredibly empowering to be believed, to be validated, to be heard.

Of course, not everyone wants to hear your truth. But the people who really care about you will welcome it. Often they’ll say, “Is that how you really feel? I had no idea. Thank you for trusting me enough to share this with me.”

When you get to the point of not obsessing over what others think and you speak your truth in a calm and respectful manner, a weight will immediately lift from your shoulders. The beauty of it is that you’ll forge deep connections with those you tell. They’ll feel like they can relate to you on a more personal, intimate level.

When you speak truthfully, you open up the door for deep connection, conversation, and compassion. It impels those around you to feel safe to live their own truths, too.

I encourage you to become mindful of the areas where you could be more truthful with yourself and others. Notice who makes you feel like you have to hide and what situations make you mask your real beliefs, so you “fit it”. Also pay close attention to your untrue self-talk that keeps you stuck and not living freely. Then make a point of making choices that promote a feeling of freedom. Remember to be gentle with yourself as you explore what it means to live and speak your truth.

It takes courage and sometimes a lot of internal work to get to the place where you can live and speak your truth. If you crave that kind of freedom, please contact me and schedule an “Unlocking Your Potential” 30-minute complimentary consultation (in-person, by phone or via Skype). I’d love to partner with you on this exciting journey.

How to Find Peace of Mind and Avoid Getting Sucked Into the Stress Abyss

Written by Maria Connolly. Posted in Controlling Stress.

“For peace of mind, we need to resign as general manager of the universe.” ~ Larry Eisenberg

As each New Year begins, people want to accomplish more with their lives. Perhaps you do too. Have you noticed how you tend to get off to a good start, but then the stresses of life quickly sidetrack you? Are you tired of getting pulled down by stress so you never get real traction on what’s most important to you?

Before real change can be accomplished, it’s important to do foundational prep work that will support you in your new life. And one system that will really support you is having a stress management plan that helps you to find and retain peace of mind despite what occurs in life.

Stress is a huge factor in our lives. You may not be able to avoid stressful circumstances or situations, however you can control your reactions and responses to them. Stress management is a skill you can learn, but it does take daily practice.

When you feel yourself spiraling into the “stress abyss”, what can you do that will consistently lift your spirits and help you find peace of mind once again? Here are a few suggestions that I’ve found very helpful:

Set intentions, not goals. When you’re setting powerful intentions, you’re creating within yourself a new and specific state or frame of mind that fosters peace and serves your purpose in life. Each time you reinforce who you want to be, what you wish to contribute, and how you choose to touch the lives of others.

Honor your emotions. Every thought or belief is connected with an emotion, which has a physiological response in your body. Tune into your emotions and identify each sensation as you experience it. Honor the messages that your body is sending you about your feelings. Don’t try to override them. Suspend any judgment of them. Simply observe them for what they are.

Be mindful and in the moment. What you’re experiencing today isn’t permanent. Tell yourself, “this too will pass.” Just acknowledge that moments of stress will pass, emotions will fade, and circumstances change and this will take the pressure off and give you a sense of relief.

Transform your body, transform your life. Building awareness for how you use (or abuse) your body at any given moment is the key to transforming your body and your life. By being mindful of your physical experience, you’ll create a vessel that can experience greater strength, balance, serenity, wellness and happiness.

Recognize negative thinking and change it. Sometimes we add stress to situations by letting our thoughts get away from us. Do you notice a tendency to default to negative outcomes and think the worst? Our minds are powerful and they influence our daily experience. Take control of your life by controlling your mind. Meditate daily. Choose positive affirmations. Take time to journal. Write yourself loving reminders. Do whatever you need to keep your thoughts in check.

Stop and start again. Sometimes when you’re stressed it’s because you’ve taken on too much. Give yourself permission to stop. There’s power and healing in the pause. Situations and circumstances will wait for you, even if your pause is just to a count of 10. And you’ll be able to approach them with greater patience, confidence, and ease when you take time to center yourself before proceeding.

If you’re committed to finding peace of mind and living a life of purpose, but roadblocks keep arising, perhaps it’s time to reach out. Please contact me and schedule an “Unlocking Your Potential” 30-minute complimentary consultation (in-person, by phone or via Skype). I’d love to partner with you.

Review some of my previous stress management articles:

How to Soften the Body to Withstand Stress and Roll with the Punches

Feeling Overwhelmed All the Time? 8 Simple Ways to Relieve Anxiety and Stress

Time Management Tips that Reduce your Stress and Increase Productivity

How to Stay Calm under Pressure

Self Sabotaging Behavior – 5 Traps Women Need to Avoid to be Truly Happy

Feeling Trapped in Life? Master Your Inner Game to Free Yourself

Achieve Deep Relaxation through Progressive Muscle Relaxation Techniques

Five Breathing Exercises for Balancing Your Life, Your Mood and Your Relationships

How to Deal with Fear – Ten Ways to Cultivate a Fearless Mindset

Regain Control as You Discover How Food Affects Your Mood

Seven Ways to Break Free from Being Too Busy

The 90-Second Secret to Mastering Your Emotions

When Opportunity Knocks – Are You Ready to Step Through the Door?

Written by Maria Connolly. Posted in Fearless Mindset.

"In a world that changing really quickly, the only strategy that is guaranteed to fail is not taking risks." ~ Mark Zuckerberg

Are you excited about all the possibilities the New Year has to offer you? Or does the idea of new opportunities intimidate you a little bit? Maybe you’re worried that you may not be ready to open the door when opportunity knocks?

How can you prepare now so you’re ready to act when a big break comes your way? I’ve been thinking about this a lot because of what happened to my client, Sandy (her name has been changed to protect her privacy). Perhaps you can relate to her story….

When I met Sandy, she was a 25-year-old writer, with dreams of being a speechwriter for a big company. She’d been writing since she learned how and loved the idea of creating content to support inspirational people.

Yet in her personal life, Sandy was struggling. She had difficulties making friends and this was a source of deep grief and desolation. She wasn’t taking care of herself the way she should and this left her tired, rundown, and depressed. Her eating habits and exercise routines were less than desirable. She often felt overwhelmed and in constant catch-up-mode.

When her best friend was hired by a well-known company as a junior executive assistant, she immediately put in a good word for Sandy to work in the Creatives & Communication department. Sandy’s big break was at her doorstep. Opportunity was knocking on her door! But she wasn’t ready to say yes. That once in a lifetime opportunity sailed right past her because she wasn’t ready. Can you imagine the regret and disappointment she felt?

This was a wake-up call for Sandy to regroup and together we worked to set in place different daily practices. Have you experienced something similar? Have you lost golden opportunities because you weren’t ready for them?

Too often I see really talented, brilliant people overly consumed with developing their skills, or getting bogged down emotionally with issues of anxiety, lack of confidence, and feeling "less than" about themselves. Unfortunately, these distractions can make you miss important opportunities to try something new, get your foot in the door, and say yes to something that might turn out to be your “Big Break” or “the way to success”.

Do you find yourself holding back from taking opportunities because of one of the following “reasons”?

You’re afraid of change or doubt your abilities. It can be scary to take action when you don’t feel ready. Maybe you tell yourself that you’re not good enough or you don’t have enough experience. I love this quote by Theodore Roosevelt, “When you are asked if you can do a job, tell ’em, ‘Certainly I can!’ Then get busy and find out how to do it.”

You’re not in a position to take action. Maybe your life is too full of drama or clutter (physical, emotional and social). Or maybe you’re caught up in dealing with other people’s drama. All this will leave you tired, tapped out or exhausted, rather than excited to try something new. Make self-care a priority, so you have the routines needed to support your health and wellbeing.

You don’t recognize the opportunity. When you’re too busy and have blind spots, you lack focus and attunement. Your head is in the sand or you’re looking in the wrong direction, when opportunity knocks. Practicing mindfulness will help you stay in the present, not lingering in the past or daydreaming about a future that will never come.

You have negative self-talk. Don’t listen when you tell yourself, “I’m not up to the challenge.” “Other people could do that but not me.” “I don’t want to embarrass myself.” “I don’t want to let people down.” “I’ll fail.” If you hear these words floating in your subconscious, it’s time to challenge their validity.

If some of the reasons sound familiar, the good news is that they don’t have to keep holding you back. You can do something about it! And getting ready is more important than feeling ready!

Yet here’s an important caveat, being open to opportunities doesn’t mean you should necessarily act on every one of them. If deep down you know the opportunity isn’t a good fit for you, acknowledge that you’ve made a good choice and let it go. If however, there isn’t a good reason, don’t let fear get in your way.

Are you ready to get 2018 off to a good start so you can step through the next door of opportunity? Please contact me and schedule an “Unlocking Your Potential” 30-minute complimentary consultation (in-person, by phone or via Skype). I’d love to partner with you and help you say “YES!” with confidence when opportunity knocks at your door.