Author: Maria Connolly

Start Treating Your Inner Critic as a Friend, Not a Foe

Written by Maria Connolly. Posted in Life Skills.

“I found in my research that the biggest reason people aren’t more self-compassionate is that they are afraid they’ll become self-indulgent. They believe self-criticism is what keeps them in line. Most people have gotten it wrong because our culture says being hard on yourself is the way to be.” ~ Kristen Neff

Isn’t it true that in daily conversation, when you talk about yourself, you use the pronoun “I”? That’s the normal way of talking about yourself: “I went to the store.” “I heard you.” On the other hand, doesn’t your inner critic accuse with the pronoun “You”? “You’re so stupid!” “You’re a mess!”

What do I mean by inner critic? It’s that negative voice in your head. She wants “you” to pay attention to her, but you really don’t want to hear what she has to say. What a battle. No wonder it’s called an inner conflict.

We aren’t born with an inner critic that tells us “You’re stupid!” “You’re a mess!” But over your lifetime you have received negative feedback – from a parent, sibling, teacher, or peer. As a result, your inner critic is just parroting it as truth, because you haven’t told her anything differently.

It’s important to realize that your inner critic is a part of you that is trying to keep you safe: safe from judgment, safe from failure, safe from disappointment. Just safe.. It resides in your vulnerability, where it really hurts. But when you examine that vulnerability with mindfulness, you can thank your inner critic for a job well done.

Does that advice surprise you? You might think the answer is to ignore your inner critic. But that doesn’t work, does it? The reason for this is as I’ve previously discussed, inner conflict is the result of our subconscious parts not working harmoniously together.

The good news is you can create internal harmony with your inner critic with practice and patience.

When your inner critic is trying to get your attention, instead of ignoring her, try the following 8 steps:

Slow down using mindfulness to be aware of, and present with, an inner disturbance.
Observe the self-talk.
Externalize and personify the inner critic.
Join the inner critic energy.
Dialogue with the inner critic as “WE”.
Practice acceptance, non-judgment, and self-compassion.
Watch the inner critic lose its energy and intensity.
Move forward together in a collaborative partnership

To illustrate how these steps work in real life I’ll share Tea Time exercise I often do with my clients.

When you’re in a quiet space, imagine you’ve invited your inner critic to Tea Time. She’s not your enemy, so welcome her to the table with open arms and a smile. Do some breathing exercises to remain calm.

As you sip your cup of tea, engage your inner critic in a conversation, such as the following:

Your inner critic begins: “You are so stupid!”

Nodding, you calmly change the “You” to “I”, and, without resistance, you accept what is said, asking for more information: “I am so stupid and...?”

Taken aback the inner critic says: “I just want you to know that I don’t like you right now.”

You respond: “Okay, I’m stupid and I don’t like myself, and…?

Deflated, because you’re agreeing, the inner critic says: “We need to fix this.”

You join with your inner critic, shifting to “we” as you further agree: “Yes, we need to fix this. What should we do?”

Your inner critic joins with you and suggests the course of action you know you need to take even though it may be painfully hard to do: “I need to go to my friend, swallow my pride, and apologize.”

Now that your inner critic has warned you of a problem, you’ve identified the discord – the fight between knowing what you should do and feeling fear in doing it – you can master your inner game. Your course is set. You prepare what you want to say to your friend to repair and regain harmony in your friendship.

Internal conflict will seldom be that easy to resolve, especially if the negative talk originated with someone you love and is deeply ingrained. Once you know the steps involved in this process, you can calmly have this conversation with yourself about anything.

You’ll often find that the criticism can be changed to inner strength. Here are a few examples…

From: “You’re too sensitive!” To: “I don’t take myself too seriously, and I have compassion for others.
From: “You’re so gullible!” To: “I’m glad I’m not jaded and I have innocence still.”
From: “You always procrastinate!” To: “I don’t have to be in a rush. I can live in the moment, enjoy it, and plan out what’s most important for me right now.”

Joining with your inner critic requires practice. It may even require the assistance of a trained professional, so don’t be afraid to ask for help. There’s no shame in that.

Would you like more help making friends with your inner critic? I’d love to show you how you can use my Tea Time Exercise in greater depth. Please contact me and schedule an “Unlocking Your Potential” 30-minute complimentary consultation (in-person, by phone or via Skype). Let’s sit down and have a cuppa.

How You Can Regain Emotional Stability After a Life-Altering Crisis

Written by Maria Connolly. Posted in Emotional Intelligence, Life Coaching.

“Whatever good things we build end up building us.” ~ Jim Rohn

I love stability, don’t you? It’s kind of like driving. We want our cars to ride smoothly, but there are always bumps in the road. That’s why we need emotional stability. Like shock absorbers, being emotionally stable allows us to withstand and handle adversity while we still keep moving forward.

However, because life is always changing, it’s vital to have a system for fully experiencing the highs, the lows and everything in between.

For day-to-day stresses, you can maintain emotional stability by using methods such as meditation, becoming more mindful, exercise and restorative sleep.

But life often throws things at us that we’re not prepared to handle. People are confronted with tragic circumstances like life-changing health issues, death of a loved one, divorce, physical and/or sexual abuse, violence, accidents, and so much more. We’re not born knowing how to deal with these things. And it’s quite possible that no one in your immediate family or circle of friends has had to deal with them either, so they can’t help you.

If you’ve experienced an emotional crisis that has thrown you completely off balance, what can you do to regain emotional stability?

A momentary lapse in behavior does not make you emotionally unstable. The emotional instability I’m talking about is caused by a lifetime of repressed emotions, tamping them down instead of experiencing emotions in a healthy manner. That’s when we become unstable and ungrounded.

It’s like a thorn in your finger that leads to an infection, except it’s an emotional splinter in your heart and soul. It’s always raw and sore. It limits what you can do, because you’re preoccupied with the wound. And since you tell yourself that it’s ugly, you try to keep it hidden.

How can you clear out emotional debris?

You can’t just dig around your festering wound superficially. That would be like getting part of the thorn out, but leaving the tip. You must get to the bottom of it and fully feel the entire range – the breadth and depth of your emotion. Painful? Yes! But that’s the way healing occurs.

Many people keep their calendars so booked that they don’t have time to think. I suggest you clear some time, perhaps even devoting the next year to making your emotional hygiene a priority. Make the commitment to take time to experience your emotions fully as they arise. In that way, you can develop a reliable system for emotional stability.

Developing or regaining emotional stability will not happen overnight. It’s going to take time and practice. Your progress will depend on how long you can sit with your deeply disturbing emotions like sadness, anger, or fear.

Here’s how to do it: Each time you feel a wave of that emotion, find a quiet place by yourself and go deeply into it. If you’re feeling sad, think about the saddest things in your life. Then just cry it out until there’s nothing left. (If the thought of doing this frightens you or if you’re struggling with PTSD, depression or anxiety, please consult with a mental health care professional who can support you through this process.)

The point is to start by thinking of the ugliest, most painful thoughts and letting that feeling take you over and flow out through your tears, thoughts, and breaths. Once you’ve released that emotion, you can go on with your day. You’ll discover that each wave of emotion, on average, only lasts 90 seconds.

As you crash through each emotional wave, you’re closer to calmness and serenity. Learning the process of experiencing emotions fully makes life easier. It allows you to experience new emotions without them taking over your whole day. You can get past it without doing damage to yourself or others.

Regaining emotional stability after a crisis is much easier when you have a safe place to be heard and supported. Please contact me and schedule an “Unlocking Your Potential” 30-minute complimentary consultation (in-person, by phone or via Skype). I’d love to help you practice greater awareness and coping techniques.

5 Lifelong Benefits of Waking Up Early to Turn So-So into Success

Written by Maria Connolly. Posted in Life Skills.

“Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.” ~ Benjamin Franklin

Ancient wisdom says there are many benefits of waking up early. What’s your normal wake up time? Mine is 5:00 a.m. Some people, extreme early risers, get up around 4:00 a.m.

There are numerous reasons why I love getting up early each morning. No, I’m not saying it’s always easy, but once I’m up, I love it!

I love drinking my morning coffee with my sweetie and my two kitties. I love how it sets the tone for my day. I love driving through the morning light as I go to or come home from the gym. It’s my special time of the day, before other demands crowd in on me.

Maybe you’re not a “morning person” but getting in tune with the natural rhythms of life and the cycle of the sun can help you live more intentionally. Bottom line: you’ll feel better physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

Here are five of my top benefits of waking up early:

Productivity. With a clear mind and well-rested body, the ability to concentrate is at its peak. No one is there to interrupt your train of thought or to impose their priorities upon you. You can optimize your performance, because your body hasn’t experienced the wear and tear of the day.

One warning: if you waste this time on emails, social media or texting, your brain will get a hit of dopamine, like you’ve accomplished something, but you haven’t accomplished anything with lasting satisfaction. The first hour of the day should be your time to focus on what matters most to you. Concentrate on doing “deep work” as author and professor, Cal Newport suggests.

More time. You feel like you don’t have enough time, right? I know you’ve said that a time or two. But when you get up early, it’s like you’re creating more time.

Wouldn’t you rather greet each day calmly, rather than being stressed out as you rush out the door? That just puts your game off for the whole day. Being up before everyone else gives you time to plan and getting organized.

Creativity. Sleep lets your brain sort through the previous day’s challenges. When you wake up to the sacred space you’ve created for yourself, the answers you’re seeking will more easily come to you. As your mind roams free in the tranquility of the morning, you’ll get some of your best ideas.

Mindful decisions. Waking up early means you’re going to have to go to bed earlier, because you do need restorative sleep. Developing the discipline to turn off that movie or close the book by 9:00 or 10:00 will give you a feeling of control…that you’re creating the life you want.

Before going to bed, plan out what you’ll do first thing in the morning. Lay out your gym clothes, or open the book you want to read or the journal you want to write in. Whatever your goals are…use this time as an investment in yourself.

Peace of Mind. There’s magic in the early morning hours. The air has a different feel. The birds are just waking up. The calm and quiet helps you think. It gives you the opportunity to listen to what your body and spirit is telling you. And there’s nothing better than watching the endless beauty of each sunrise.

Studies have shown that once you open your wallet and spend money, then it’s easier to do it again and again. The same is true with spending time as you invest in yourself. It breaks the dam of feeling unworthy. Are you ready to make that breakthrough and claim your worthiness? Then please attend our upcoming Foundations of Life Coaching and NLP in Ashland, Oregon. Nando and I promise you will reap huge benefits, if you come fully prepared to participate wholeheartedly.

Can Leadership Be Learned? YES, If You Hone These Qualities and Skills

Written by Maria Connolly. Posted in Embodied Leadership.

“Leadership and learning are indispensable to each other.” ~ John F. Kennedy

You’ve seen them…the ones who seem to be natural born leaders. They instinctively know how to keep their heads when things go wrong, and they can draw exceptional performance out of everyone on the team. If that’s not you, don’t despair. Leadership can be learned, because leadership is a process of applying specific skills and qualities and any process can be learned.

How can leadership be learned? Let’s examine 10 leadership qualities and skills and find ways you can enhance these in your life.

Leaders are decisive. Constantly ask, “Do I know what I need to know about this topic/situation?” If so, weigh your options and make your call. Don’t agonize, overanalyze or second-guess yourself. You can always make adjustments as needed.

Leaders are innovative and creative. Increase your self-awareness so you recognize limiting thoughts when they arise and then consciously change them. Fine-tune your flexibility, curiosity and adaptability, and then you’ll be in a position to act when you see opportunities.

Leaders inspire confidence. When things start to unravel and fall apart, people need to know everything will be all right. Learn to model a can-do attitude so you stop negativity, procrastination and hopelessness before they get a foothold. Act like you know what you’re doing, because deep down you do know what needs to be done. It’s a matter of identifying and owning the scary parts. Be courageous and bold and people will follow you.

Leaders are empathetic. Leaders are in the people business. You have to understand how they are feeling, not how you would feel in that circumstance. This takes communication, deep listening and vulnerability. When you are able to see things as they do, you’re much likelier to come up with a solution that they can get behind.

Leaders have emotional control. Yes, leaders get frustrated and angry, but they buy time to cool down and respond rationally. So, write that scathing letter or email, but don’t send it. Blow off steam and then look for your emotional triggers and how you can suspend judgment as you mindfully manage those emotions.

Leaders are persuasive. When you can express the reasons why something is important, you’ll have a persuasive argument that convinces others. Yes, there may be many ways to accomplish something, but trust that your way is worthy and valid. Being a people pleaser can really get in the way of aggressively selling your vision. As Martin Luther King Jr. said, “A genuine leader is not a searcher for consensus but a molder of consensus.”

Leaders seek advice. No one has all the answers, so it’s essential to seek counsel. Yet many people have their own agenda. That’s why it’s wise to collect a group of people who have earned your trust to advise you. Then they can point out any blind spot in your thinking.

Leaders invest in continuous learning. Read a wide range of books that stimulate your curiosity and creativity. Warren Buffett credits much of his success to reading – spending 80% of each day doing it.

Leaders embrace authenticity. You’ll wear yourself out if you pretend to be something you’re not. You win respect when you showcase your unique gifts and talents, whether you’re an introvert or extrovert, methodical or spontaneous. People can spot a phony from a mile away, so be true to yourself.

Leaders remain humble. When you’re in an executive position, it’s easy to get puffed up and forget about your humble beginnings. This is inflamed by flattery from others. Keep your eyes on the good of each individual in your organization and bring out their best, promoting their growth and achievements.

Can leadership be learned? Definitely YES! That you ask this question shows you have curiosity, which is one essential leadership quality. Are you ready to unlock the leader within you? I’d love to invite you to our upcoming Foundations of Life Coaching and NLP. It will be held in Ashland, Oregon, so make plans now to attend this life-changing, 3-day event. Nando and I will help you hone YOUR gifts, talents and skills so you can make a real difference in the lives of others.

What Is Spirituality? Learn to Connect with Something Bigger than You

Written by Maria Connolly. Posted in Spirituality.

“How do we nurture the soul? By revering our own life. By learning to love it all, not only the joys and the victories, but also the pain and the struggles.” —Nathaniel Branden

In order for us to fully enjoy life, all aspects of life must be in balance. Mind, body and spirit have to be in harmony with each other. Focusing on only the material and neglecting the spiritual leaves people feeling empty and dissatisfied. People are trying to “find themselves”, because they sense that something important is missing. That something is, more often than not, spirituality.

What is spirituality? How do you know if you’re a spiritual person? The quest for spirituality is intrinsic to the human experience. We all have a need for it, although some are more aware about it than others, and we choose to fill that need in different ways. Some people define spirituality as attending religious services, enjoying time in nature, praying, or meditating to mention only a few. And the interesting thing is that your definition may drastically change over time.

Something that all spiritual experiences have in common is that it includes a sense of connection to something bigger than self. Being connected to it creates a deep feeling of being more alive and more purposeful.

Many of the practices that help you cultivate spirituality are the same ones that help you improve emotional well-being. While emotions and spirituality are distinct, they form a self-perpetuating circle. Spirituality leads to emotions such as peace of mind, awe, gratitude, and acceptance, which broaden your ability to recognize and connect with that which is larger than yourself.

How to integrate the material with the spiritual

It’s essential that you don’t entrust your spiritual journey to anyone else. They simply can’t do it for you. Here are some ways to greater spirituality…

Find your purpose. When you discover meaning in life, you find a path that’s aligned with something bigger than your health, possessions or beliefs.

Create connection. To feel complete, we crave to receive and give unconditional love and acceptance from family, friends, and the Universe. I love how Guy Finley explains it, “Nothing glows brighter than the heart awakened to the light of love that lives within it.”

Continue growing as a person. When we stop growing, we die inside and give up. You feel more alive when you work to improve, push boundaries and reach your full potential.

Answer the big questions in life. It’s normal to want to understand how life works and how you fit in, so you probably have asked, “Who am I?” and “Why am I here?”

Seek inner peace. Spirituality helps you gain balance independent of external experiences in a way that creates greater appreciation for life.

Transcend above the every day. You’re feeding your spirit when you want something better than the present human condition; you seek meaning in suffering and an enlightened way of life that rises above the pettiness around you.

Explore life’s mysteries. These moments of discovery fill you with awe, a sense of wonder and feel sacred. You clearly see your small place in the Universe.

Be of service. Your spirit is revived when you make a difference in the lives of others.

Which one of these quests drives your search for spirituality? Not all of them will resonate with you, so this will dictate the path and practices you choose to follow.

I’ve been reading a lot of Brene’ Brown’s books lately. She defines spirituality as:

“Recognizing and celebrating that we are inextricably connected with one another by a power greater than all of us and that that connection to that power and one another is grounded in love and belonging.”

When I heard this definition I thought, “This is the first definition of spirituality that sincerely makes sense!” I think of being spiritual as being connected to our true SPIRIT, which includes the reasons why we’re here; why we do what we do; and why we have the experiences we have. It all becomes part of a human perfection. When we embark on our journey of discovery, the process itself becomes a spiritual journey. We have the opportunity to rise above pain, hurts and our own fallacies as humans and connect on a level beyond what our brains can understand, where our own stories finally make more sense.

If you’d like to take your spiritual journey to greater depths, I’d love to invite you to our upcoming Foundations of Life Coaching and NLP. It will be held in Ashland, Oregon, so make plans now to attend this life-changing, 3-day event. Nando and I will help you explore YOUR spiritual path in a safe and supportive environment.

Author: Maria Connolly

Start Treating Your Inner Critic as a Friend, Not a Foe

How You Can Regain Emotional Stability After a Life-Altering Crisis

5 Lifelong Benefits of Waking Up Early to Turn So-So into Success

Can Leadership Be Learned? YES, If You Hone These Qualities and Skills

What Is Spirituality? Learn to Connect with Something Bigger than You

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