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Maria Connolly, LPC Facebook Facebook Facebook

Emotional Healing — We Can’t Do It Alone, We Need to Heal in Relationship

Emotional healing is a combination of doing personal, internal work and putting your new skill into practice within your relationships — it takes both.Emotional healing is part of our life journey to recognize how others have impacted our lives in the past and how we can process any hurt so that we may keep moving forward. Hiding from or trying to deny the pain causes the wound to go deeper and become more long-lasting. Emotional healing embraces the pain in the sense of using it to learn about ourselves and how we fit into the world around us. It’s a mindful process of observing, without judgment, identifying the thoughts, feelings, sensations, emotions that we feel, then learning to channel them in productive ways. 

There’s no denying that emotional pain hurts! And we don’t like to hurt. Yet trying to avoid emotional pain makes us live in fear. We’ll end up making decisions that avoid commitment, risk or failure. As Eleanor Roosevelt wisely said, “We are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all.” 

Throughout our lives we pick up emotional baggage. The results can range between hurt feelings to outright trauma. And perhaps they never intended harm, but from our personal worldview, insult is added to injury until the wound goes so deep it follows us from one relationship to the next. 

While I do agree that there are some things we heal by ourselves, by doing deep internal work and creating harmony between our Parts, there are some things that only a loving relationship will help heal. Emotional healing is not a DIY project. For it is within such a supportive relationship that we learn to connect and trust ourselves and others again. I like how Leo F. Buscaglia describes it, “A loving relationship is one in which the loved one is free to be himself — to laugh with me, but never at me; to cry with me, but never because of me; to love life, to love himself, to love being loved. Such a relationship is based upon freedom and can never grow in a jealous heart.” 

Therefore, If you crave deeper conversations and connections, know that you won’t ever “find” a perfect relationship. What you look for is someone who wants to work toward the same connection that you crave, being open and willing to be vulnerable, as you both work towards forming  a bond of trust together. 

“Someone to tell it to is one of the fundamental needs of human beings.” ~ Miles Franklin

The deepest emotional healing work is done within relationship, where heart-connected persons see emotional triggers as clues, rather than judgments or feelings towards each other. By yourself, you may learn skills that help you be more observant, calm and centered. But it’s not until you interact with others that your emotions, and these new skills, are put to the test.

I’ve noticed three mindsets that people think keeps them safe from emotional pain, but in actuality keeps them stuck. If you can relate to any of these, know that there’s ways to grow past them.

1. Letting someone know me gives them power over me. When you were young, you may have perceived that certain Parts of you weren’t welcomed. So you became skilled at hiding your true self, to avoid being hurt. It gave you a sense of power to keep your secrets. Because, after all, if they don’t know that something hurts you, they can’t use it against you. 

Learn to hold onto your power from this article: Change Your Attitude Change Your Life — You Have the Power!

2. I’ll love/trust them, when they love/trust me. This mindset keeps the door of connection firmly closed. Waiting for the other person to make the first move puts you in the position of being a taker, not a giver.

Learn to trust yourself first: The Best Conflict Resolution Techniques Are Based on Love and Learn How to Be Vulnerable to Expand Your Full Enjoyment of Life.

3. No one will love the real me! If you don’t give them the chance, how can they? If you’re only presenting an incomplete, “unreal” version of you, isn’t it a lie that causes a lot of unnecessary suffering.

Learn to love yourself first: Emotional Polarities – How to Embrace the Good, Bad and the Ugly as You Reclaim Your True Self

It’s only when you explore these mindsets within a loving relationship that you learn to let them go. When both people are as committed to attending to their relationship as they are to their own individuality, what grows is very authentic and connected. If you’re in the place of needing to do personal inner work, before you begin a new relationship, why not book a 30 minute consultation with me to discuss if working with me is the next, best step towards your emotional healing.  

emotions, Internal Conflicts, love

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